Bathroom Etiquette or lack of……….

I am not sure why after all these years of using public bathrooms that I am at all surprised that people are just little piggies! Read this blog at your own risk! Its going to get cray!

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We all use public restrooms and I mostly use the women’s room (except for when I am in Europe and the bathroom situation is unisex). It makes me wonder sometimes if people were raised by animals! For example the women’s bathroom at my work is so disgusting. Let’s go through all the reasons why!

1. It smells like a barnyard! (we have been told its a ventilation problem)

2. People think its okay to poop and not flush or poop and leave it on the seat! Um people you are gross, clean up your act…….literally!

3. This one makes me gag just writing about it! We all know women get a special time each month which causes us to menstruate…I have an idea please stop wiping your hands on the wall with the evidence of that! I think I just threw up in my mouth!

4. Have some shame! If you have to go, you have to go maybe instead of literally pooping your pants and making everyone in the bathroom sick, maybe you give some courtesy flushes! I am just saying! We know there is a book and it says “everyone poops” we know just be a little more discreet about it!

5. I have this funny feeling that the men’s bathroom is cleaner than the women’s bathroom. This is a scary thought!! Don’t you think!

6. Lastly and this is probably the most important if you remember nothing else of the rules that I discussed above! Wash your hands. No one wants to shake your hand after you peed on yourself or better yet pooped! I am just saying if you change a kids diaper you wash your hands right? If not you might as well eat out of the dumpster!

Moral of the Story: Clean up your act people, we were all raised better than this!

 

 


Match.Juan

Most people would shy away from the offers for fix ups and the scary world of online dating. Not me I love a challenge so when Juan offered me his service of Match.Juan I chuckled! Juan tells me I should join him and his wife when they venture out to a latino club. Juan thinks the answers to my prayers is finding love with a latino man! I told Juan I need to be in charge I am not sure if this is going to work if this man is going to want to be in charge of me.

I mean let’s be honest I have been on all kinds of (let’s call them interesting dates). Let me give you some examples.

Interesting Date # 1

Against my better judgement I joined Match.com about 2 years ago. I figured you can’t really meet a guy in a bar and this might be a better way. After all some people have actually found love and later married!

I meet the guy at the restaurant and he is already at the bar and I am pretty sure has been at the bar for a few already! So we chat and have some dinner, he has more drinks and towards the end of the date he tells me he needs to take some Tylenol. His Tylenol is smaller than an infants pinky nail and he pops that with some booze. I am pretty sure he is taking some sort of drug. It’s Friday night how the hell am I getting out of this one. Dinner is over I am pretty sure he is high on something and definitely trashed. He asks me if I would like to join him at a bar down the street and I politely decline and say that I am tired. I get a text from him about 30 minutes later that says don’t flatter myself and on Monday he emails me and said I had a really great time when can we go out again?????? Are you serious buddy!

Interesting Character # 1

While on Match I had a guy email at least every few days like he knew me and would say things like:

I have tickets to the play Dirty Rotten Scoundrels on Friday let me know if you want to go

I have two Bruins tickets for April 24th (it was January) would you like to join me

I got a gift card for Christmas to the 99 Restaurant would you like to go out to dinner with me

I love taking walks on the beach I think you are the lady for me do you want to watch the bruins gain.

Of course this immediately freaked me out! Why after like 30 emails do you think I am going to say yes, I am about 30 seconds away from getting a restraining order.

Moral of the Story is: So after all this consideration maybe I should be trying Match.Juan.what do I have to lose, right? I will say that I did meet a few nice guys and they were actually normal so not a total loss, but I think I have more bad stories than good!


Don’t drink the water…………

I just came back on a fabulous vacation from Cancun, Mexico! Lot’s of good stories which you will read about. Lot’s of people made a face when I said I was going to Cancun. I heard things like well people just got murdered in Cancun, don’t drink the water, you will get robbed, watch out for the federalies and basically don’t go anywhere. I have to say I was completely worried and while packing for the trip I forgot many items because I was no nervous for my adventure. Was there anything to be worried about……maybe if you go downtown to the wrong parts sure but you can also get robbed and murdered in Boston. So my personal recommendation is yes definitely go to Cancun on vacation, it’s not just a spring break spot! It was super relaxing and the weather was simply incredible, the food was so yum! Stay at a nice place and you will be fine!

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Day 1: We are laying on the beach and like lots of beaches they are public and people are trying to make a buck so they sell you stuff on the beach. This man wants to sell us hats, we say no thank you we need sombrero’s and he asks “do you want a free massage” well I was speechless for a moment and said on no thank you!

Day 2: People let me tell you something, just because you are on a balcony does NOT mean people cannot see you!!!! Guess what I can see you and yes I know you are in your underwear, stop dropping your towels on the balcony keep your nakedness to yourself! On the bright side we did get to see a wedding from our balcony! All guests did have clothes on!

Day 3: You must apply bronzer (okay not really). Famous last words “use the bronzer” we have a great base, we are wearing our sunscreen but we decide its time to add bronzer. All I have to say is ouch! They always seem like good ideas!

Oh and how can I forget. I was proposed to while sitting in the lounge having a drink with Rosie. Seems like I will make a lovely “porch wife” what does this mean you ask. Well this 30 year old man says that he wants a porch wife to sit on the porch with and read books and discuss the news. He also says I will make a great mother and should marry him and move to Indiana. I politely decline the offer, but not before he asks me if I would like to see his waxed stomach. Only me!

Day 4: Let’s head into town and see the local fair. Check out some vendors and what not. We hop into a taxi and head to the “flea market” is what the locals call it. As soon as we pull up we are crowded by lots of men trying to lure us in theirs stores! It’s a bit overwhelming but I manage to say that we are simply browsing and we just want to be left alone. Rosie want’s to buy a sombrero so we negotiate with a vendor and we get free shot glasses. We are also offered “blow”. I am trying to be polite as possible and say no thank you and you should not do it either this will give you a heart attack. The guy tells me it’s good for his wallet not his heart. So we move on and just walk around and take the bus back to the resort. The bus driver certainly thinks he is driving a ferrari because he decides who really needs breaks anyways! Lots of good laughs this day!!! I also decide since Rosie bought a sombrero why not do the Mexican Hat dance (that video can be found on my FB page).

Day 5: Slightly uneventful just a day in the sun, we celebrated another birthday at the restaurant and the creepy waiter asked for Rosie’s number. We head to the spa and discover that one visit is just not enough, so we book another for the next day! Rosie says to me that if I keep going back to the spa the guy who is doing the massages is going to think I am looking for a happy ending lol!!!!!

Day 6: Final Day, just soaking up the sun, catching up with the friends we have made throughout the trip. We hit the spa again, have a nice dinner, do a little shopping where I point out to the lady that she is doing her math wrong with the pesos and that her pricing is not correct. I have us about $40. Job well done.

We are home, safe and sound in one piece, we made tons of friends, had tons of laughs. We are relaxed, bronzed and and happy to see some family and friends!

Moral of the Story is: Go to Mexico, don’t listen to people that that tell you not to go! We had a blast, use your head, travel in pairs, don’t get smashed and head out with strangers! Bottom line is we had a blast! I am looking forward to my next adventure!

 


pantalones de banano

By this time next week, I will be taking a vacation for the first time to Mexico. While at lunch this week I spoke to a few of my friends that are:

1. Fluent in Spanish

2. Actually grew up in Mexico

What did I learn this week! We learned that the only Spanish that I speak is:

Please, Thank you, Banana, Pants, and wait for it, wait for it…….Where is Santa Clause! So my friends recommended a few things that they think I should say to find the man of my dreams in Mexico! You know because I have done so well here with amazing men, why not try my luck in Mexico.

I was told to ask some of the men: Me gusta dar largos paseos por la playa y un beso, which translates to: I like to take long walks on the beach and kiss.

or: quieres ser mi marido, which translates to would you like to be my husband

I was also told maybe I should ask the DJ to play the Lambada “The Forbidden Dance”

These are just a few ideas! I mean I am so grateful for the great advice. I think I am just going to sit back and relax and enjoy the sun while in Mexico.

The moral of the story here is: I should try to NOT speak Spanish in Mexico I don’t want to offend anyone with my amazing phrases that I learned this week. I certainly don’t want to be that crazy American girl that only knows how to say Banana Pants or pantalones de banano!

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ABI

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I have always had a knack for getting to the bottom of a case, and by case I mean finding out the who, what, where, when, why. However I am having a tough time cracking this case at the work place.

Months back I observed that people at the work place will eat just about anything. So if you put a sandwich out that has been out for hours that has mayo people will eat it!!! I say gross. One day at lunch (where I get most of my ideas) I decided to conduct a test. I surveyed about 20 people and said, if you saw a sandwich on the lunch table that had a bite taken out of it and could have possibly been licked would you eat it???? Most people said well who licked it so I said me! Most of them said yes I don’t have a problem with that. I say gross and this is why I don’t like to eat food that people bring in unless I know them personally! I mean people have you heard of germs, its just yuck!

Fast forward a few months and things go missing out of the fridge that are clearly parts of people’s lunches. We had someone who had veggies burgers in the fridge in a container and someone actually thought this was fair game, or when you have cold cuts in the fridge you take the last few slices, or this was great. I packed grapes in a ziploc bag and I know how much I put in the bag, I go to get the bag of grapes and half of them are gone. People unless it says for general consumption its not yours!

A friend of mine has said to me that I should do one of two things to catch the thief around the office.

1. Lick all the grapes that are left in the bag, because its just gross!

2. Rub each grape that is left in the bag in ex-lax and who ever calls in with the poops is the thief.

I say genius!

Moral of the story is: Don’t eat what is not yours! You never know what you are going to get…..and that is why I am ABI or Always Be Investigating!


Did they just say poop???? Yep that just happened!

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So the story holds true that no matter what age you are whether it be 1 or 91 poop humor is always fun, not sure why but it just is! This story will prove that true! It’s kind of gross but if you can’t have a good laugh then you might not want to read this blog!

Every day is entertaining at the workplace that is for sure, and this week was no different. We were sitting around the lunch table and not sure how this started but one of my friends tells us a story about a friend of his that he and all his friends dared to poop in his hand for $5.00 and they would capture this with photos (he was not under the influence of any substance). So his friend takes the bet and never gets paid and is not upset, I am completely flabbergasted by this! Actually everyone was flabbergasted over this and of course from this conversation we had to make more interesting.

So we asked each other what is your poop number??? What does this mean, well let me explain. How much would if take for you to poop in your hand and have someone photograph it! Well at first we started with $1000.00 not many folks were in and some even said there is no dollar amount that they would do this for. Then we upped the wager and said what about $10,000 and then $100,000 and gained more interest and so on and so on. Then we talked about for $1,000,000 American dollars (you always have to be specific, you never know what you will be paid in) would you do it. But lets take it one step further. You cannot take the photographs yourself right???? So who do you elect to do this for you and this is where the question comes in.

You are pooping in your hand for $1,000,000 American Dollars, who is taking the photos? Well I wanted to have a Survey Monkey but the crew voted against me and that did not happen so we just asked a bunch of different people! Most of the men said a stranger because they will just move on after and take their money, however the ladies were a bit different. Some said their mothers because after all they did change your diapers and have definitely have seen you at your worst, if I am being honest at some point we have probably puked on our mothers as infants, just saying!! Some said medical professionals because they see these kinds of things and they trust them.

So we have two questions here that need to be answered: What is your poop number? And who is taking the photos? I hope all the fans will play along!

Moral of the Story is: Everyone poops and it’s always funny!!!!! Hope you enjoy today’s poop humor!


Something’s Missing…….

This blog is not my typical! Not tons of laughs but tons of heart! I felt like lots of my friends and Facebook friends are going through some tough times so why not have some encouragement.

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So this time of year for me is a tough time of year. Why you ask? Well four years ago on February 4th at about 5:30PM I lost a very special person in my life. My Nonnie, she was a very special lady in my life. We all know about the circle of life, but that never makes it easier. When she got sick 4 years ago I knew the end was near and instead of constantly being a mess (which I was sometimes) I made it a point to visit her every day. I enjoyed all the time I spent with her and it was not sad! We had laughs and told stories and just enjoyed each other. I would like to think that throughout my life I was lucky to have thirty-two years with her. My Nonnie was dealt a very tough deck, but you would never know that. She always had a calming effect about her. I think she is the women who showed me how to be independent. I was dating someone once and she asked me how things were going and I said to her Nonnie its just not right he is not for me and she like no one else said to me “Michelle, only you know what is right for you”. Smart women! The moment she passed I suddenly panicked and thought to myself, she will never see me get married or have kids and that was so important to me. On the same note the moment she passed was the most peaceful experience of my life and I will always remember that moment.

Now that I look back at that moment I miss her terrible, I want to hear her voice and just have her around me. But I know she is always around me. I can feel her, sense her and smell her. For some who are believers I saw a psychic not too long ago and before I even sat down she said to me “Your grandmother is here, she has a message for you”. The women asked me if that was weird and I said no she is always with me. It’s so comforting to know that when people have passed that you can still feel them around you. She was not just my Nonnie she was my friend!

So this blog is for all people everywhere that are going through anything, whether is be a struggling child, a sick family member, a divorce or hardship. There is a light at the end of the tunnel friends and family are so important! Remember when times get tough you never get more than you can handle!

The moral of this story is: Life is what you make it! Don’t feel sorry for yourself be happy that the people around you truly love you and celebrate life!!! Tell people how you feel and don’t be afraid of your feelings!  Stop and smell the roses and always, always, always remember that laughter truly is the best medicine!!!!

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Private Eyes…..They’re Watching You!

This past Saturday like many Saturdays I could be found at the mall! I was looking for shoes for my Holiday Party, I know it’s late for a Holiday Party but don’t judge! So off I go to Lord and Taylor with my bud Bizzle! We had the most lovely sales girl her name was Krista (if you visit Lord & Taylor shoe department ask for her she is great!!!!) Any who we are shopping for shoes which literally took two hours! While we are shopping they catch a thief trying to exit the mall! Well my day just got better. 

So I ask many questions:

What will they do with her?
Are they going to call the cops?
Will they ask her questions?
Why is she stealing and why the Macy’s bag?

Well this goes for quite sometime and my new friends at Lord & Taylor give me all kinds of information on how the operation works, of course I know this because I used to work at Bloomingdales back in the day!

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So what comes from all this information you ask??? A bell went of in my head, a new business venture of course! So I ask my new friends if they want to start a business with me. We would catch thieves but put a better spin on it, maybe we make friends with them and ask their opinions on some of our purchases. Get the thief to trust you! Make it very casual. The people now in this business are not doing a good job! Its very clear who they are! I said we could go around to businesses and ask them to use my service. I will call it Private Eye’s and of course sing the Hall and Oates song and dance while I propose my business ideas. What company would not want to hire me! The kids were totally interested in this and gave me business cards! They said I was the best customer they had all day! I was flattered and made some new friends.

Moral of the Story: Strangers are just friends you have not met yet! I proved this right at the Mall. And I think all ideas are great, its just how you deliver them!

 


Swings….not just at the park!

This week we celebrated a birthday! Lots of Shenanigans, here is the thing I know that me and my friends are strange but this one is a little strange! So we hit the town and first stop on the list is The Hong Kong great place, good chicken on a stick, excellent scorpion bowls and my favorite a little hip hop dancing!

We walk over to the Bell in Hand because we want to hear a live band and have a little more dancing! The band goes on and for a moment after they sing three Michael Jackson songs. I say hmm I wonder if this is a Michael Jackson cover band, how strange! I was wrong the band was horrible to say the least! Lots of yelling and a Britney Spears wanna be female singer was the lead, the only difference is she was Asian and a bit crazy. Any who we dance because really why not just because the band is bad does not mean you can’t have a good time. I mean we met Gary who is a regular and just loves to Dance!!!! Totally harmless and just out dancing for the night! He likes to hi-five and say great job dancing!

So Lu and Em decide they need a break from all the screaming ( I mean singing) and go to the other side of the bar. In a text Lu asks me to bring over Em’s jacket so I proceed but not before I am stopped by this man who wants to dance with me and he is easy on the eyes so who am I to say no to a dance! He says hi my name is Darren so I introduce myself and then he says and this is my wife Jenn! Oh that is awkward I thought for a moment that Jenn might kick my ass!! So I was like hey Jenn your husband is so funny and walk away and bring the jacket to Lu. I tell him the story and don’t pay much mind. About 30 min pass and I get a text from Bizzle asking where I am I say I will be over in a minute and I return to Darren saying where did you go, did you try and leave me??? No of course not… but in the time I left Darren found a new lady…….the birthday girl Ms. Bizzle. So Darren dances with Bizzle and finds out its her bday so he takes her for a spin on the dance floor and then plants a smooch on her! Well Jenn sees this and says OMG Darren you are so funny!!! Really so we are thinking that this very good looking couple who are professionals with good jobs and in their 40’s are at a young bar, what could they be doing?  Well end of the night comes and Darren hands his business card to Bizzle……bingo they are swingers! Oh geez only this group could encounter this!!!! Massive fail hopefully that was the last time we see Darren and Jenn!

Moral of the story is: When you least expect it strange things happen. I thought that swinging was a thing of the 70’s but boy was I wrong! As for the singer I think that “Britney” needs to find a new career….just saying!


What’s with all this Bieber Fever????

This story is from the end of November. It’s a good one!

After the thanksgiving holiday most shoppers know that you can get a great deal on just about anything! So Black Friday morning I head out with spreadsheet and my crew of Medford girls. With spreadsheet in hand and my store ad’s off I go. I finish all my shopping in that 8 hour time span, however my friend Bizzle did not and needed some assistance with her Christmas shopping.

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I assisted her by going to Target! You can get everything from Home Goods, Appliances, Games, Movies….etc. So we are on our adventure in Target and low and beyond what do I see but a Justin Bieber stocking! Jokingly I say to her “Wow MB I would really love a Justin Bieber stocking this year! This gentlemen over hears me and says “What does Justin Bieber have that I don’t”. Wow what an open ended question. How am I supposed to answer this one. What I want to say to him is……well Justin has millions and also about 50 years younger than you! But instead I am totally PC and I say to him well “he has sick dance moves”.

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Open mouth and insert foot!!! This guys says to me well I was a ballroom dance for 7 years and I tell him well I was a dancer for 17 plus years! I am not sure why this one is a competition, however he says to me I wonder if you can keep up with me! Oh no what have I done does this stranger want to dance with me in Target???? Thankfully he did not and we moved about our business throughout the rest of the store!

About 15 minutes later we are in the kids aisle picking up games for the families in need, and who shows up but my new friend! He wants to chat me up! He asks what we are up to and why the games, then proceeds to ask a co-worker if they have any discounted games that we can buy for the families in need. While this is a very sweet gesture I am starting to get a little creeped out by my new friend. My new friend asks where I am from so I panic and say Cape Cod, then he says oh which part again I panic and I don’t answer. So MB answers for me. He then wants to know if I visit a certain bar in the Cape and if so he goes all the time. He tells me he likes to sing and wanted me to guess his favorite song to sing……..well he is about 60 so I go with New York, New York by Frank Sinatra – I mean it’s a classic who would not want to sing this tune! He laughs hysterically at me and says oh no honey, its Unchained Melody. I should have known. He tells me you can’t just start with that song you have to warm up to it. Then he touches my hand, I have a germ phobic moment and I am starting to freak out. I tried to hold it together as best as I could. I then tell him well great talking to you and we go on our way. As we walk away MB knows that I am freaking out and all I can say is, OMG he kept touching my hands!

Well the moral of the story I think has dual meaning: With flu season at it’s peak you should not touch strangers, you don’t know where their hands have been! The other is that you never know who is lurking around the corner and hating on Justin Bieber’s big success. I personally do not have the Bieber Fever……..but I could have ended up with Scarlet Fever, just saying!!!!!